Humor Stuff


Entertainment Infos& Humor Stuff& Living With Social Sites03 Aug 2010 08:24 am

Laugh lines are called the beauty of age so make it your business to obtain as plentiful as wholly possible by enjoying funny stories and acts by the professionals as well as practical jokes and general giddiness between groups of mates and family.

At a number of venues, the funny men will come and meet the crowd for a chit-chat after their show.
This is a good opportunity to meet the comedians although they may probably not confirm what is true and what is definitely not since their yarns are what grants them a type of fascination.

Starting at Soho to Edinburgh and in between, one can find places where jokers can showcase their skills and employ the crowd as a rehearsal opportunity. There is nothing better than watching a really skillful comedian for the first instance and Realising you are going to become a devotee.

The comedy star is normally the most talked about person of the evening. There might be two or 4 comedians on the same night but the headliner will usually be conserved until the end as they are deemed to be the favourite amongst the gang.

These days comedy nights are regular happenings in towns and cities all over the U.K. They come in varying sizes from the neighbourhood public house where a big rundown of amateurs can rehearse to an organised first-rate headlined night with celebrity comics one might enjoy watched on the telly.

The great comedy clubs supply a great night out that is made up of more than simply an opportunity to laugh and boost your laughter wrinkles. The vast majority allow one to reserve wide dining tables to enjoy a celebration and acquire buckets of beers and finger food to eat before the show. After the show, most may possibly also offer a DJ so the club audience can have a boogie.

When was the last time you enjoyed a genuinely brilliant belly laugh? Doctors tell us that giggling is often beneficial to have people so it is comforting to realise that seeing the gift of a comedian could broaden your life years.

Humor Stuff18 Mar 2009 06:59 pm

Many people use the term illegal immigrants and illegal aliens to describe the humans that sneak over the border between the United States and Mexico. But we should not call them illegal aliens otherwise the alien beings might get upset. Who knows we may have aliens living on our planet there are older than we are and have been here longer.

In other words they are not illegal aliens at all. And we should not be mean to little green men who may live our planet. So instead of calling these illegal immigrants; the illegal aliens we need a more descriptive and politically correct term so we do not confuse them with the aliens that live on our planet which meet us no harm.

Therefore we should not call the illegal immigrants; illegal human aliens, that way we do not piss off the real aliens who have more advanced technology that we have been might start a war with us. You see most Americans have nothing against alien beings from another planet or perhaps aliens that live on our planet and have for possibly hundreds of thousands of years.

Nevertheless a more descriptive and politically correct term for the illegal immigrants would definitely be illegal human aliens and not illegal aliens. Please consider all this in 2006. (No, I am not an avid Coast-to-Coast AM listener with Art Bell and George Noory, but do turn in occasionally).

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

Lance Winslow - EzineArticles Expert Author
Humor Stuff25 Feb 2009 10:54 pm

1. A renowned poet and novelist as well as chair of poetry at the University of Cambridge, this academy award-winning actor’s father wrote mysteries under the pseudonym Nicholas Blake.

A. Jack Nicholson
B. Charlie Sheen
C. Daniel Day Lewis
D. Rob Schneider

C. Daniel Day Lewis
QQ: Sure it seemed like a hard question, but really you had a fifty-fifty shot, didn’t you? After all, we all know what Charlie Sheen’s dad does and last time I checked Rob Schneider wasn’t winning any academy awards.

2. Social scientists believe that the modern Western family developed largely from that of the ancient Hebrews for what reason?

A. Their families were patriarchal in structure
B. It was a matriarchal society
C. It was an oligarchy
D. The Hebrews called their god “Father”

A. Their families were patriarchal in structure
QQ: There, now you must feel better after The QuizQueen gave you an easy one…

3. Which “father” figure does NOT exist?

A. Father Cats
B. Father Dogs
C. Father Christmas
D. Father Divine

B. Father Dogs
QQ: Father Cats was a Dutch writer, Father Christmas is the English Santa Claus, and Father Divine was an American religious leader.

4. Who was first named “Father of His Country”?

A. George Washington
B. Thomas Jefferson
C. Emperor Augustus
D. Napoleon Bonaparte

C. Emperor Augustus
QQ: In 2 BC, the Roman emperor Augustus is made Pater Patriae (”Father of his Country”).

5. Which ancient Greek god was least likely to celebrate Father’s Day?

A. Zeus, father of the gods
B. Iapetus, the father of Prometheus
C. Hyperion, the father of the sun, the moon, and the dawn
D. Cronos, god of fertility

D. Cronos, god of fertility
QQ: That’s because Cronos (Kronus) castrated his father and protected himself from a similar fate by eating his children. Some fertility god, eh?

6. If you are a first-born son, is it a good thing or a bad thing for your father to practice primogeniture?

A. Good
B. Bad
C. It depends
D. Who cares

A. Good
QQ: That’s because your inheritance is guaranteed under this system. He can’t cut you out of the will no matter what!

7. American actor Robert Young starred in what 1950’s TV show dedicated to fathers?

A. Father Knows Best
B. Leave it to Daddy
C. My Three Fathers
D. I Dream Of Papa

A. Father Knows Best
QQ: This was a gimmee, wasn’t it?

8. Which “Make Room For Daddy” star fathered “That Girl”?

A. Danny Thomas
B. Carl Reiner
C. Monty Gleason
D. Jon Voight

A. Danny Thomas
QQ: Everyone knows that Marlo was “That Girl,” right?

9. Which “father” figure does NOT exist?

A. Father Flanagan
B. Father Coughlin
C. Father Damien
D. Father Clinton

D. Father Clinton
QQ: Well, OK, maybe Bill is a father, but that is certainly not what he’s known for! Father Flanagan (of course) founded Boys Town, Father Coughlin was a Canadian-American priest and activist, and Father Damien was a Belgian missionary.

10. The ancient Egyptian deity Amon was represented by what animal?

A. Ram
B. Lion
C. Dog
D. Rat

A. Ram
QQ: He was the father of the moon, according to the mythology.

11. Which was NOT one of Spencer Tracy’s “father”-ly roles?

A. Father of the Bride
B. Father’s Little Dividend
C. Boys Town (Father Flanagan)
D. Father Knows Best

D. Father Knows Best
QQ: That’s right, Spencer Tracy was the “Father of the Bride” long before Steve Martin!

12. Which society is NOT patrilineal?

A. Bedouin
B. Ewe
C. Shawnee
D. Tuareg

D. Tuareg
QQ: How many people guessed Ewe? That was pretty tricky of The QuizQueen wasn’t it!

13. According to Greek mythology, the god of sleep was the father of Morpheus. What was his name?

A. Hypnos
B. Doseus
C. Napinus
D. Snoozola

A. Hypnos
QQ: Hypnos god of sleep, often depicted carrying a poppy; son of Nyx, brother of Thanatos, and father of Morpheus

14. What blue-eyed crooner fathered a singer whose boots were made for walking?

A. Elvis Presley
B. Bing Crosby
C. Frank Sinatra
D. Ricky Nelson

C. Frank Sinatra
QQ: Nancy Sinatra recorded “These Boots Are Made For Walking” for those who don’t remember!

15. What happens when a father practices the custom of couvade?

A. He takes to his bed and complains of labor pains
B. He circumcises his son
C. He demands a DNA test to ascertain paternity
D. The male penguin assists the female by sitting on the nest

A. He takes to his bed and complains of labor pains
QQ: Documented by Marco Polo and modern anthropologists, it is taken to be an assertion of his rights and responsibilities as father in some cultures.

16. According to Greek mythology, who was the father of the gods and mortals?

A. Cronus
B. Hades
C. Poseidon
D. Zeus

D. Zeus
QQ: If Homer said it then it must be true! However, it was more an honorary title than a practical one.

17. The country singer Tex _____ fathered a star who among other things played a role on Three’s Company. What is Tex’s last name?

A. Ritter
B. Somers
C. Knotts
D. Williams

A. Ritter
QQ: And he was John Ritter’s Dad of course!

18. Can you name the father-son acting duo where the father was Spartacus and the son became president (on screen)?

A. Kirk and Michael
B. Donald and Kieffer
C. Martin and Charlie
D. James and Josh

A. Kirk and Michael
QQ: This would of course be the Douglases! Did you know that if Kirk hadn’t changed his name they would be the Danielovitchs?

Look for more fun trivia online by Deanna Mascle at Fun Trivia Online at http://FunTriviaOnline.info

Deanna Mascle - EzineArticles Expert Author
Humor Stuff25 Feb 2009 11:08 am

PARIS HILTON TO RELEASE HIP-HOP CD. Will she rap a duet with Vanilla Ice?

Vanilla Ice:
All right stop — collaborate and listen
Ice is back with Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton: Someone — grabs a hold of me tightly
My boobs are poppin outta my nighty
Will it ever stop? yo — I don’t know
Turn off the lights — and I’ll blow

To the extreme I rock a crotch like a scandal
Light up a stage I deep-throat a pan-handle

Dance — bum rush the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain, I’m as dumb as you assume

Deadly — give you herpes incredibly
Wear less on my breasts to distract from this medley
Love it or leave it I always get my way
Climax on camera but then you have to pay
If there was a problem, my daddy would solve it
Check out the hook on my nose while my DJ revolves it

CHORUS
I got Ice ice baby

****************

* Paris Hilton to release a hip-hop CD.
What’s the problem here? Every rap song today is about money, bling, and cars. Paris has all 3! The only white woman MORE qualified to be a rapper is Martha Stewart. Because she’s been to jail!

Martha: It’s a hood thing!

* Paris Hilton to release her 1st CD! If it’s anything like her 1st DVD, it’s gonna really blow!

* Socialite turned Mediocre Adult Video Star, turned Bad Actress Paris Hilton is releasing a CD.

Man, the bar is set so low, a midget couldn’t limbo under it.

* Her rival, Nicole Richie, plans to answer with a “diss” record. They’re like the 50 Cent and Ja-Rule of skanks.

* On the new Paris Hilton CD, record companies have finally designed an anti-piracy technology that ensures no one will illegally download her songs off the internet. The technology is called “Paris Hilton’s singing.”

Discover more Twisted Humor

Humor Stuff23 Feb 2009 01:28 pm

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures
is delighted to have as a guest, Fran Capo.

Fran is quite a “cool person,” as she is an eight-time author, humorist, voiceover artist, comedienne, adventurer, actress, freelance writer and keynote motivational speaker. She also holds the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female.

Recently, Fran accomplished another amazing feat as the first and only author to ever do a book signing on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in
Africa with the release of her book “Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it,
Read it, Do it!”

Good day Fran and thank you for agreeing to participate in our
interview for Sketchandtravel.com and Bookpleasures.com.

Norm:

Could you tell our audience something about yourself and how you
became involved in your various occupations?

Fran:

Sure Norm, first let me say its great to be here, and I thank you for
having me on as a guest.

Since you mentioned a bunch of the things I did up front, I guess I’ll
start with how I became a stand up comic, as this was my first entry
into the entertainment world.

In school I was known for my sense of humor and some of my classmates
suggested a career as a stand-up comic. This had me thinking as to how
life would be as a stand-up comic, and I started to watch comics on
TV, comedy clubs, listening to comedy albums, etc. I said to myself, I
could do this. I asked God to give me the right sign if I should do
comedy.

Two occurrences happened that were my go ahead signs. One, when
someone turned around in a movie lineup and complimented me on my
sense of humor, after hearing me crack jokes to my friends. He
suggested I audition for the Comic Strip. Another happened at a car
convention, where a fortune- teller analyzed my handwriting and told
me I had a good sense of humor and use it to make money.

I eventually did audition at a club called Creighton and Gray’s Comedy
Room that was very near my home, with material given to me by my
friend Barry, who was in my acting class at the time. This was my
first success as a stand up comedienne and I received a standing
ovation as well as $10. I was a mini-local celebrity, with rave press
reviews. I spent the next 15 years of my career figuring out ways to
get in print, on radio and television.

Norm:

What is this about- the holding of the “Guinness Book Worlds Record
for the Fastest Talking Female?”

Fran:

Well the stand-up comedy gig lead to my fast-talking by

accident. My philosophy is just always say yes and figure it out

after how I am going to do something.

My stand up landed me a job doing weather and traffic at a radio
station WBLS-FM in New York. I was doing it as this comedy character
June East (Mae West’s long-lost sister). One day, Dinah Prince, a
reporter from the Daily News called and said she wanted to do an
article on me. When she had finished interviewing me for the article,
she asked-What are you planning to do next?

Next? Well at the time there was nothing I was planning on doing
next, so I asked her what she meant, stalling for time. She
said she really wanted to follow my career. Here was a woman
from The Daily News telling me she was interested in me! So I
thought I’d better tell her something.

What came out was, “I’m thinking about breaking the Guinness
Book of World Records for the Fastest Talking Female.” The newspaper article came out the next day, and she included my parting remarks about trying to break the world’s
Fastest-Talking Female record. At about 5:00 P.M. that afternoon, I received a call from CNN asking me to go on the Larry King Live Show. They wanted me to try to break the
record. They told me they would send a limo to pick me up at 8:00. That was only three hours. Talk about pressure!

I had never heard of Larry King Live, and when I heard the woman say
she was from a Manhattan Channel, I thought, “Hmmm that’s a porn
channel, right?” She patiently assured me that it was a respectable
national television show and that this was a one-time offer and
opportunity - it was either that night or not at all.

I managed to find a replacement for a gig I had in New Jersey. I next sat down to figure out what on earth I was going to do on the show. I called Guinness to find out what the rules were to break a fast-talking record. They told me I would have to recite something from either Shakespeare or the Bible. Suddenly, I started saying the ninety-first Psalm, a prayer for protection that my mom had taught me. Shakespeare and I had never really
gotten along, so I figured the Bible was my only hope. I practiced over and over again, timing myself with a stop- watch to see how fast I could do it. I was both nervous and excited at the same time.

At 8:00, the limousine picked me up. I practiced the entire way there, and by the time I reached the New York studio I felt as if my tongue was going to fall off. I asked the producer, “What happens if I don’t break the record?’ She replied, “Larry doesn’t care if you break it or not. He just cares that you try it on his show first.” So I asked myself, What’s the worst thing that can happen? I’d look like a fool on national television! A
minor thing, I could live through that. Then I asked myself , And what happens if I break the record?” Now that would be great.

I decided just to give it my best shot, and I did. I broke the record, becoming the World’s Fastest Talking Female by speaking 585 words in one minute in front of a national television audience. (I broke it again two years later at the Guinness Museum in Vegas with 603 words per minute.) My career took off.

Norm:

Why did you want to have a book signing on Mount Kilimanjaro, and
could you describe to us a little about your experience, particularly
your voyage up to its summit, and how did you plan for it? Were you
ever afraid?

Fran:

Again, it goes back to my basic philosophy’s…of seize the day…and just
going after things with a passion. I was actually researching a
chapter in my book Adrenaline Adventures: Dream it, Read it, Do it. I
read that an 83- year old women climbed Kilimanjaro. So I figured if
she could do it, so could I.

I enlisted my son, Spencer into the effort, contacted a top outfit,

CorbetBishopsafaris.com in Africa (the same guy that lead the IMAX

movie team up the mountain.)

Then I figured if I was going to train, climb and do this feat, I
might as well make it memorable at the top. So I decided to do a book
signing up there, I managed to get two sponsors, my publisher
Authorhouse and Snickers Marathon Energy Bars.

It took us 7 days to summit, going through 5 climate zones. The night

of summit we were woken up at 11 PM, it was unseasonably cold. Minus

15 degrees and 45 mph winds, our camelbacks froze, and you felt like

sleeping while standing up.

It took us 18 hours to get up over and down to camp. It was the
hardest thing I’ve ever done (and this is coming from someone who has
run the marathon, flown combat aircraft, rode a bike non stop for 100
miles, driven race car, dove with sharks etc…(all of which are talked
about in Adrenaline Adventures of course.)

But after Spencer and I climbed it was such a feeling of accomplishment. Plus I had wanted to do it now, since global warming will melt the ice caps by 2015 if not sooner.

The picture of me doing the book signing circulated around the world,
and it led to Brian Day O’Conner (Supreme Court justice Sandra Day
O’Conner’s son) contacting me.

I am now raising sponsorship money to go down in a two-person
submersible to the Titanic with Mr. O’Conner. My publisher,
Authorhouse, Ripley’s Believe it or Not (Planet Eccentric) and
GoldenPalace.com the #1 online casino, so far have jumped on board as
sponsors. (You can read all about it on my website under sponsorship.)

While down there I am going to be doing a memorial service for the
titanic passengers, saying a non-denominational maritime prayer direct
from a Navy Chaplain. Did I mention I am also an ordained minister?
Yup, became one so I could do this the right way.

Norm:

Which one of your occupations do you find the most enjoyable and why?

Fran:

Wow, that’s a hard one, because I really enjoy all that I do. I love
making people laugh, so stand up feels great. I hopefully make people
forget their problems at least for that night.

I love inspiring people, so I get a real kick out of doing my keynote
motivational talk for people called, “Dare to Do it!” Especially when
they come up to me and hug me, or when I get an email that they went
out and did something they’ve always wanted to do because they, “Dared
to do it.”

I love doing my adventures, because it challenges me personally and
makes life exciting.

I love writing, so nine books later it feels awesome to see my books
in store windows, on websites, and especially when I catch someone
reading it on the bus or subway.

I just love communicating with people. As long as I am making them
laugh or inspiring them, I’m happy.

Norm:

Please tell us something about your most recent book Hopeville: the
City of Light.

Fran:

The Hopeville book, came to me in a strange way, just like the comedy
did. It’s a story about four people that on the same night pray for
light in the world, because they are discouraged. An angel of light
appears to each of them and tells them a secret of how to change their
town. Each of them does it in his/her own way…and finally after the
people see the light, the town is forever changed. It’s a book of
hope, light and following your dreams. But like I said the book came
to me in a very strange way.

Norm:

Could you tell our audience about some of your other travel
adventures? Which one up to now has been the most exciting, and why?

Fran:

Well, I’ve done 50 different adventures, ranging from mild to wild; I
mentioned some before but others like flying a helicopter, doing the
luge, the polar bear plunge, rock repelling, biking down a volcano,
going in a deprivation tank etc.

They all give you an adrenaline rush in a different way. Mind you, I’m usually scared when I do all of them…its just that I have a philosophy of “FEAR NOTHING, but if you
do, do it anyway.” See all of us have fear, the key is some of us let it paralyse us, while others use it as the spark for the engine. As far as hardest it was definitely climbing Kilimanjaro. As far as a rush; my four favorites Skydiving, driving racecars, cavern diving and snorkeling with manatees. Okay who am I kidding, I really love them
all, except maybe the glass blowing…I wasn’t too thrilled with that.
But my fiancée loved it…so everybody’s different.

The cool thing about the book though is it has adventures that you
can’t find in other travel books. Plus it has 50 motivational quotes,
50 funny adventure stories, and 50 “Adventure at a glance” pages that
tell you all the details so you can do the adventure if you are so
inspired.

Norm:

Could you tell us how you go about marketing your books?

Fran: I do many things. First, realize that writing the book is
usually the easiest part. Getting people to know about it is the real
challenge. And the key is YOU as the writer needs to do most of the
legwork.

Okay, so I send out galley copies to newspapers before the book
comes out.

I send press releases to radio stations, mag. Etc.
Using my hook as a fast talker to catch their attention.

I set up some kind of publicity event so that my book stands out.

I have a bookstore on my website.

I carry a box of books in my car at all times. I once sold a book on top of the Sydney Bridge in Australia, thus getting the phrase from my fiancée, “No one’s safe.”

I set up book signings. I contact local media.

I mention the books at all my speaking engagements and comedy gigs.

I do interviews like this to let people know about my books I link with other sites
that have readers that may be interested in my books.

I offer my books to charity’s for fundraising events.

Norm:

Has the Internet boosted your career and if so, how?

Fran:

Absolutely. I’d say 90% of my speaking engagements come to me from my
website. Usually people will be searching comedian, fast talker, or motivational speaker and my name pops up.

Also, I notice when I do radio shows and mention the website I get a lot of
requests that way as well. I think it is essential for every business
person these days to have a easily navigatable website.

Norm:

How do you want the world to remember Fran Capo? (I know you are not
leaving us just now!)

Fran:

She lived life the way she wanted to…with love, with laughter, with
passion and never took no for an answer. She used up all God gave her,
and tried to inspire people to do the same.

Norm:

Is there anything else you care to add that we have not covered?

Fran:

Yes, remember-Live everyday as if it’s your last, and one day you’ll
be right.

And of course what kind of marketing author would I be if I did not
mention the following: I have a newsletter that keeps people updated
on the Capo happenings, simply called, CAPO UPDATES. Anyone interested
can go to my website and ask to be on the list.

And of course if you would like to be part of the world record event
at the titanic…the sponsorship information is available at my website.
Thanks so much Norm, I hope your readers enjoy the interview.

EzineArticles Expert Author Norm Goldman

Norm Goldman is the Editor of bookpleasures.com & sketchandtravel.com. The former is a book reviewing site comprising over 25 international prestigious reviewers. The latter is a travel site where Norm and his artist wife, Lily, meld words with art.

Norm is always open to receiving book review requests, as well as invitation to romantic resorts, B&Bs, hotels, etc in Florida and the New England States.

Humor Stuff11 Feb 2009 06:35 am

I never thought that I would be cooking rice for my grandson’s finches in my golden years. I am also feeding parakeets, cat, fish and hamsters while the family is on vacation.

The market was out of the item that I specifically went to get and needed for a recipe so I bought some items that I didn’t need and three chocolate bars that I did need. Apparently I stepped on some gum in the store parking lot which I didn’t discover until I got home. I left my shoe on the front porch and went inside to get a scraper. When I got back, the neighbor dog was running off with my shoe. I then tried to clean the gum off of the porch and ended up with gum on my sock. Gave up and ate the chocolate bars.

Painted new numbers on the house. I didn’t realize the paint didn’t wash off with water. I’m sure that it will wear off of my hands eventually. Probably about the time the gum wears off the porch or the dog brings back my shoe.

Did I raise lazy children? Did I spoil them? To be nice, once, I took my son’s stinky dog to be shampooed and have his nails trimmed. I was embarrassed when the grooming people commented, “This poor dog’s nails are way too long. Didn’t you notice him walking funny?”

I meekly answered, “The dog is twenty years old and has arthritis. He always walks funny.” After paying to be made to feel guilty of dog neglect, I took His Majesty home.

I told my son the grooming people said this kind of dog has fast growing nails and needs more attention. Did I get a thank you? Nope. “Why did you wait so long?”

Marge is the library director in a small town in the Northwest, has been writing all her life and just published her first book at age 61.

Humor Stuff04 Feb 2009 01:12 pm

Dothan, AL- Every time I turn around, another Northerner is moving into my neighborhood. I’m beginning to think all my neighbors are Yankees. This is not really a problem, but obviously most of these people are not prepared for how we do things in Dothan. Here are some things you need to know before moving to Dothan.

Never order a bottle of pop or a can of soda in Dothan. It’s referred to as, “Coke”. You don’t have to worry about getting the wrong beverage; the waitress will always ask “what kind of Coke”? If she doesn’t ask, she’s from the North and you have the right to correct her for her failing.

If you order tea, expect for it to be sweetenedand iced. If you want hot tea or unsweetened tea you’ll be wise to let somebody know that you’re not from around here.

We are fully aware of high the humidity is in Dothan; we’ve lived here our whole lives. Look around at our senior ladies; they didn’t get their great complexions out of a bottle. If you don’t believe it have a look at the seniors who spent their whole lives in the dessert. Be thankful for the humidity, we are.

We are also aware of how hot it is in the summertime. We don’t complain about it, we sit in the shade, we move a little slower and we drink a lot of tea. It works you should try it.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English; believe it or not Dothan schools teach English as well as our colleges. We speak this way because we don’t want to sound like you.

Never try to fake a Southern accent, you can’t do it and we will laugh at you just like we did Dan Aykroyd in Driving Miss Daisy.

Misuse of the word Ya’ll is the first indicator of a Yankee faking a Southern accent. “Ya’ll” is always plural as well as it’s possessive “Ya’lls”. “You” and “Your” are used in the singular. Keep it straight.

A southern dialect will naturally creep into your speech. Most Northerners adopt “Big ole” first, as in “Big ole truck”, or “Big ole glass of iced tea”. Though most Northerners adopting a southern accent are in denial about this fact.

It is not wise to ridicule Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We seldom make a commotion in public, and we do our best not to be uppity. People who do not have manners weren’t raised rightnuff said.

Never try to explain to someone in Dothan how barbecue should be preparedyou might just end up in a pine box.

We refer to all of our females as ladies, and all of them are, even if you think otherwise.

We know that some of our older drivers have trouble keeping the car in the right lane of traffic. We never yell at them, we just shake our head and say “bless their heart” then say a silent prayer that they will get home safely.

If there is even the slightest prediction of snow, we will close all the schools and you must make your way to the nearest grocery store to buy milk and bread whether you need it or not.

We don’t care if you can drive in the snow, we deserve the time off and we’re going to take it.

You can ask anyone in Dothan for directions, but unless you know where things used to be you’ll continue to be lost. Case in point, “to get your new car tags, turn right at the First National Bank, go past the Houston Hotel and then the Greyhound Bus Terminal, it’s the tall building behind Dothan Federal Savings and Loan, if you get to the Supreme Ice Cream you went too far”.

If you wonder where everyone is on a Sunday morningwe’re in church. You are well advised to stay off the roads between noon and 12:30 on Sunday because the Baptists are trying to beat the Methodists to Piccadilly; it’s not for the faint of heart.

Never attempt to drive past the telephone company on the last date to pay the telephone bill. We park in the middle of the street to make payment regardless of the traffic needing to get by. Just accept it.

Fall marks the beginning of the social season in the south. Some southern cities begin by inviting a select few to very elite parties (e.g., Harvest Ball in Atlanta). In Dothan, we include everybody in the festivities; it’s called the Peanut Festival, same principle but a whole lot more fun.

In short, be respectful of old people, raise your kids right, find a good church, and let Dothan keep the charm it’s always hadthen we’ll all get along just fine.

Ya’ll Come!

David Holmes - EzineArticles Expert Author

David Zack Holmes is an Inspirational/Humor Writer telling his tales with a southern flair. To read other features see: http://www.davidzackholmes.com

Humor Stuff30 Jan 2009 03:58 am

Quirks.

We all have ‘em.

In one form or the other.

Examples proliferate.

Some quirky writers write one sentence paragraphs…

Okay, okay, I’ll stop! Y’all gotta admit I had ya there for a second. I thought I’d take a shot this week at writing about people’s quirks because it’s one of those topics where all the women who read this are going to look over at their menfolk and say, “Ha! Quirks! He doesn’t know the half of it! You must be the only man in America that has to scratch himself “down there” twenty or thirty times a day! Nothing can possibly itch that much!” And all the menfolk who read this will then look over at their ladies and say, “Ha! Quirks! I don’t even have to talk about your quirks, I can just talk about how your hair smells right after you get a permanent!” The potential for causing all this mischief is just too fun to walk away from, so I’m not. I think I’ll get the ball rolling by talking about some of my own quirks, which should set the table for some good “after the column” conversations this week. Here be a few of them:

“I like to be naked.”

Look, I know y’all might be laughing, but I’m being sincere, I enjoy being naked. I like the freedom, I like the feeling of air touching me from all angles, and I like not being trussed up in a bunch of starchy clothes. Frankly, being naked is a luxury for me these days, as with having a child still at home I can’t just doff my threads any old time that I want to. At heart, though, I’m a nude dude.

“Hiccups drive me crazy.”

You know, y’all can’t tell me that most people who have the hiccups can’t get rid of them if they just use a little will power. The sound of a hiccup drives me insane, and someone having them for a lengthy period of time must simply enjoy having the hiccups. I’d rather listen to Amway promotional tapes or watch videotaped surgical procedures than listen to someone hiccupping.

“Long winded preachers make me mad.”

Y’all gotta admit, this is true for just about all of us, we just don’t like to admit it. I’m lucky because my current preacher, Jerry Dingmore, understands that the message has to be both interesting and to the point. The problem is that for every preacher like him there’s five who’ll preached for seventy-five minutes and don’t care that the Falcons kick off in another fifteen. Too much of anything, excepting Elvis music and Nu-Way hot dogs, is just about always a bad thing.

“No one sits behind me at theatres or ballgames if I can help it.”

This happens to be a learned quirk, and for good reason. I’ll never understand why people pay lots of money to go to a ballgame, only to sit there and yap all the way through it. Worse yet, how many of y’all have shelled out for a movie, gotten to the pivotal point in the film, and heard a cell phone go off? And even worse than that, how many times has the person making the noise been sitting directly right behind you? Because of dopes like these I’ve learned to never let anyone sit behind me if I can help it, and if I can’t, I try to eat a couple of bowls of raisin bran right before I attend the event.

“I read while I eat.”

Can’t help it, Ed Jr. used to read the paper at the table when I was growing up, so I mooched this quirk off him. Y’all can’t make fun of it ’cause I had no choice, and y’all don’t really want to make fun of my dad, now do you?

“I don’t like doing stuff I don’t like.”

I don’t understand why this is even categorized as a quirk, to me it makes perfect sense, but I’m told by my spousal unit that it’s a huge quirk. “Edward, you can’t always do the things you’d like to do.” Maybe one day I can make myself enjoy funerals for relatives I don’t even know, prom lead-outs, and watching other people’s home movies, but don’t hold your breath…

All of y’all should be primed up pretty good right now. You guys out there, y’all just put down the paper, smile, and look over at your ladies and say, “You know, honey, I’ve always want to talk with you about why you go to the bathroom so often.” And ladies, y’all just put down the paper, smile, and look over at your man and say, “Snugglekins, why is it that you smell a tad musty even after you bathe?” That should get the ball off and rollin’….

About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,” can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

Humor Stuff26 Jan 2009 09:06 am

Sometimes, it’s not easy to find or agree on a name for your baby. It’s unfortunate that parents can’t wait a few months (or years) before they have to name their child. But then, of course, they would have to settle for some kind of identifying temporary name during the interim.

“Baby” would not suffice since that would more than likely also be the interim name many other parents would choose as well. This would cause confusion in social gatherings if a mom called fore “Baby” to come over to her and suddenly nearly half the kids in the room started crawling or walking in her direction.

Numbers are always handy for identifying substitutes. It would have to be a short sequence though, something the child could easily remember (the parent also) since it would awkward to be out in public and not be able to recall what you’ve named your baby.

If numbers appeal to you, then you could wait until your baby has been issued his or her social security number and save everyone a lot of trouble afterward by using that. Add up all the digits and the sum could be their middle or nickname.

Naturally, this indecisive circumstance of interim-naming would be kept from the child. Afterall, how would they feel later if they discovered their mom or dad couldn’t come up with a name for them? Under no circumstances would you want your child to know because you know what they’d say: “Ya needed more than nine months to decide what to call me and ya decided on (insert name here)?” Yes, all respect they’d gained for you up to that point would be lost within that very moment. They would, however, finally understand why they continually felt he urge to play “7-1-8″ in the lottery when they hear that the combination had been their interim name. But that would be a small consolation and not worth the respect loss.

But there is a positive aspect to interim naming. It would give you the opportunity to eventually match a name with whatever traits you observe that your baby exhibits. “Look, see how happy she is all the time. We just have to name her something cheerful” Or, “Gosh he’s so serious and patient. He might become a scientist one day. I should name him something scientific sounding.”

Time to observe would let you zero in on the most appropriate name for your child’s personality and behavior patterns. Unless, alas, the happy baby with the cheerful name grows up to be a grouch and the scientist grows up to be an extra in “B” movies. Then their names would seem to be amiss.

Nah! Forget about going the interim name route. Imagine all the time wasted with that temporary name. Besides, they’ll find out about it anyway. You know they will. Kids find out about everything. The bottom line…choose a name. Choose a name quickly before he or she senses your hesitation!

Humor Stuff23 Jan 2009 01:14 am

Let me just make one thing clear before I proceed. I am generally an animal loving person. If a dog comes to my house and goes number one on the fence, fine no problem. Squirrels gather near the gate and perform acts sexual in nature, no big deal. But if there is one thing you do not do…It’s lunging in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.

This is exactly what a lizard attempted yesterday night. Luckily I managed to dive, in slow-mo of course, out of its path just in time. The beast was not able to get a choking grip on my delicate neck and instead just bumped against my shoulder and dropped down on the floor.

After my display of fast reflexes in the form of a cool matrix style dodge I thought it was all over, that I was safe. I thought the lizard would be too impressed, intimidated with my elite skills and would start to fear me. Boy was I wrong. This monster was no ordinary lizard. It was completely out of its mind. A true fighter!

After a rough landing on my kitchen floor the lizard ran towards me rather than away from me! Maybe this was an egotistical lizard and was not prepared to lose its pride. It ran with such a menacing look in its beady eyes and at such a pace it made me think for a millisecond that I may be dealing with something that is much stronger than me. The feeling of helplessness and panic ran through me. I started scanning the place looking for a weapon, A chair…a spoon, anything! But all I found around me was the hot and humid summer air. At this point I knew deep down all was lost. I did what all sane men do when they are up against a ruthless killer. A killer that does now know the meaning of the words “mercy”, “compassion” and “love”, I ran. I jumped up over the beast and sprinted towards the exit.

I did not dare look over my shoulders as I knew what was following me, death! I ran at full pace towards my bedroom door. Panting, shaking and screaming whilst I forced my legs to keep moving. Oh why did I not take up my dads advice and join a gym.

When you are in such a situation as I was, when you are the one being chased by a predator as cheesy as this sounds…time does seem to slow down, your senses become sharper. Now I truly know what “eternity” means because that is exactly how long I seemed to have spent before I saw the warm light of my room, the rays danced on my tired and broken body bringing with it hope, hope of survival. I dived towards the light, pushing the bedroom door behind me with full force. *BANG*

Ahh that sweet sound when wood crashes into wood. I knew I was out of harms way at last. I did next what all men do when they know they’ve narrowly escaped certain death. I fell down on my knees and thanked god and then I changed my underwear.

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